So as another day kicks into full gear, we here at LazarusWorld are once again left with trying to attract readers, and thus potential forumites, into our humble abode. Being the civic-minded (*cough*) guy that I am, I have been working to formulate new ways to attract people. We could always go the route of Penny Arcade (Which naturally involves gratuitous uses of the word "wang" and cardboard tubes), but my lawyer has advised me against such things. (And by lawyer, I mean my friend Poptarts, who is probably one of the few things keeping me from getting sued by half the webcomic artists and news sites around. She's like a conscience, if a conscience had flaky pastry and a delicious strawberry filling.)

So then I thought about doing something music-related, but seeing as how my music knowledge is limited to music from porn movies, that may not be the best subject for what is supposed to be a work-friendly site. So, after a night of heavy medication and enough Jolt to make a person insane from the caffeine-induced hallucinations, it finally came to me.

WE NEED A MASCOT.

It's so amazing I didn't think of it before. All good sites have their own mascots. But what kind of mascot would be perfect for us? Sure, we have TheLazarus, but let's face it ... having a tentacle monster mascot does not exactly help attract cute Japanese schoolgirls (who, naturally, are MY target demographic). Not to mention he has been known to cause insanity in most lesser mortals. (Much like IRS forms or goverment officials, only less taxing on the sanity.) So, after much thought, I have come up with a few mascots for LazarusWorld:

Stabbington Bear

Yes, this cute, cuddly English bear with a heart of gold and a knife of crimson is sure to win his way into your heart. Cute as a button and proficient with sharp objects, his polite, well-mannered demeanor and willingness to help with all your stabbity needs is sure to make him the cutest little stabber this side of Black Mage from 8-Bit theater!

Cecil the Incontinent Rock

Nothing says marketability like your very own diaper-wearing pet rock! Yes, folks, Cecil the wonder rock does everything a real pet does, from staying, sitting, playing dead, and piddling on the carpet! Just don't give it lots of water or watch the "accidents" happen!

Edward Roadkillhands

He's a guy with roadkill for hands! Perfect for attracting the Ren and Stimpy fans and Beavis and Butt-head fans (not to mention plenty of flies). Just don't let him out in the hot sun for too long, folks.

Teddy Potkins

Kids love bears, and what could be a better mascot then your very own potheaded hippy bear? Let your kids learn about peace, love, and tokin' a joint all while ditchin' the draft! And don't forget its gentle voice will teach kids all sorts of useful life lessons, such as how to hide your pot from the cops and how to roll the best joints!

Nightbird

Yes, this female robot stolen by the Decepticons... Oh HELL no. Even I'm not THAT crazy. Nightbird wouldn't even make a good Etch-a-Sketch, much less a mascot.

So there you have it, folks. Potential LazarusWorld mascots. What do you all think? Got a better idea for a mascot? Post it in the forum.

Posted by Liquid-X at April 23, 2004 12:58 PM