I think I'm going to fill the rest of the week up with photo-comics (count this as Wednesday's update, so expect two more). I'll probably have to go in and see a doctor for my backache, but I really don't look forward to explaining how the injury occurred. Anyway, without further ado, I present to you:

BEING A JERK
Part One: How to Be a Jerk in Four Easy Steps!

When it comes to being a random jerk, I am a world-class expert. There are four very easy-to-follow paradigms you can adopt as you see fit, depending on individual temperament and personal preferences.

Approach One: You're a Cigarette!

The easiest way to behave like a jerk is to be completely juvenile. The immaturity of "I'm rubber and you're glue" is a timeless classic. With this approach, you openly accuse everyone of being whatever is being discussed; the sillier and more random the accusation, the better the result! Conversations will come to a complete standstill when you say things like, "You're a complete standstill!" You can see this in action here and here.

Approach Two: Feign Complete Ignorance

There are two ways you can tackle this. First, with people who don't know you, this is easier to accomplish but much less satisfying. Whether it's giving them the wrong street directions or refusing to betray any spark of intelligence, you can get away with acting completely ignorant with total strangers; however, you can really be a huge jerk and score huge points by doing this with people who know you particularly well. To wit:

Friend: Hey, how is World of Warcraft, anyway?
Me: I don't know, really.
Friend: Didn't I just see you playing it?
Me: Playing what?
Friend: World of Warcraft.
Me: What's that? A new game?

Continue ad infinitum (or until you run out of friends)!

Approach Three: Is That What You Think?

To do this successfully, you must adopt a haughty and condescending attitude. Whenever you are engaged in conversation, argument, or debate, you answer their premisses, suppositions, theories, and statements with the query, "Is that what you think?" It should be said absolutely dripping with acid and poison, and the underlying message to your question should really be "You are a complete idiot for thinking so." You should not offer up any proof, evidence, or address their position in any way, simply continue to re-use "Is that what you think?" as your last and only line of defense.

Approach Four: Blame Whitey!

Nothing is your fault. It's always The Man keeping you down. Never apologize. Be as loud as you want to be, decorum is for people who blindly obey The Man's outmoded ways of thinking. Anything you do that might be perceived as wrong or incorrect all goes back to The Man in the end. You need your reparations, bitch. The more you fit the phrase "cracker-ass cracker" into your daily vocabulary, the more you are enriching and educating the world around you, opening eyes to the evils of The Man. This is even funnier if you're white.

Posted by Al-Azif at July 27, 2005 09:59 PM