You are ready, my young Padawans, for the second lesson.

BEING A JERK
Part Two: Achieving Jerk Nirvana

The theme for today's approaches to jerkdom is wildly inappropriate behavior. Doing the wrong thing at the wrong time is one of the classic jerk benchmarks against which you should measure yourself. Consider the following to be advanced level jerk techniques.

Approach Five: Turn Everything into Sexual Innuendo

Jerk Nirvana? What's that, some kind of ultimate masturbatory sensation? Nothing is forbidden or sacrosanct, everything that is said at any time and in any place can be turned into a horribly crude euphemism. Depending on tone, inflection, attitude, facial expressions, and hand gestures, a seemingly innocuous statement like "taking out the garbage" becomes "taking out the ... garbage, if you know what I mean." Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. True jerkdom in action:

Grieving Widow: Boo-hoo! I just buried my husband.
Jerk Paragon: Well, if you're not busy later, we can go bury a few more husbands in the backseat of my car.

Does it even have to make sense? No! As long as the crude connotation is there, victory is yours!

Approach Six: Pretend Something is Horribly Wrong with Their Appearance

People are insecure and self-conscious about their looks. Those are modern societal influences at work. Tough nuts, use it to your jerkly advantage. Don't say anything, just stare, and if they ask you what's wrong, say, "Nothing, nothing" and go back to glancing at the "problem area" for a few more moments. Is it a zit? Is it a scratch? Is there spinach between their teeth? Who knows?

This works extra well against girls.

Approach Seven: Complain Bitterly About Everything

Nothing kills joy like an endless stream of bitter complaints. No matter how small or insignificant the problem or slight, it deserves your full undivided whining.

It's your niece's eighth birthday? Man, that clown fucking sucks donkey balls, doesn't he? And I seem to remember that her older brother had more lavish decorations and a better-tasting cake last year. AND a pony. Geez, what's with all the crappy gifts? And not to harp on the cake so much, but why would you get a dumb banana-vanilla-whatever hybrid-thing when you could get chocolate? Chocolate is safe, and everyone will eat it, everyone knows that. What a fuckin' rip. I'm sorry your parents are such dumbasses, kid.

Approach Eight: Too Much Enthusiasm

This is best used to spoil the small surprises and gifts in life, the little memories and sensations that people tend to cherish for the rest of their lives. Their eternal experience will turn ephemeral, marred and sullied forevermore by your jerksome behavior.

Girl: I saw the most beautiful sunset the other night. There were birds in the air, singing a--
Me: THAT'S FUCKING AWESOME! IT SOUNDS LIKE IT ROCKED! AND THOSE BIRDS? I BET THEY ROCKED! WOO! THEY WERE ALL SINGING, LIKE "WOO, CAW CAW, I AM A BIRD!" YEAH! AWESOME! I WISH I HAD SEEN IT MYSELF! I WOULD HAVE BEEN ALL, "YEAH! THIS ROCKS! WOO!" WOOOO!

Posted by Al-Azif at July 28, 2005 08:30 PM