I might be staying at the current place a bit longer than anticipated, so in the meantime: updates!

BEING A JERK
Part Three: Getting Your PhD in Jerkology

Okay, if you've been dilligently practicing the approaches from Parts One and Two, you should have no difficulty moving onto the final stages towards ultimate jerkdom.

Approach Nine: Quote Pulp Fiction Incessantly

Peppering your speech with occasional quotes from this Quentin Tarantino classic will not suffice. Everything you say in any given conversation should be a quote from Pulp Fiction. Mixing it up with dialogue from Reservoir Dogs or Kill Bill is completely unacceptable. I will be disappointed if your next date does not resemble the following conversation:

You: That's a pretty fucking good milkshake. I don't know if it's worth five dollars, but it's pretty fucking good.
Her: Actually, that only cost three dollars.
You: No, man, they got the metric system. They wouldn't know what the fuck a Quarter Pounder is.
Her: What?
You: "What" ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak English in "What"?
Her: Huh?
Waitress: Can I get you anything else this evening?
You: Tell that bitch to be cool!
Her: Hey, you can't talk--
You: Say, "Bitch, be cool!"

Approach Ten: Don't Meet Anyone's Gaze

This is one of those silly physical things that some people find very annoying. Don't look anyone in the eye when you're talking to them. Don't turn to face them straight on, even if you're engaged in deep conversation. You can tease them a little bit by turning a little bit in their direction, and then quickly averting your gaze. People will struggle vainly to make eye contact, but you won't let them, will you?!

Approach Eleven: Injure Your Back Doing Something Stupid and Don't Update Your Comic Like Everyone Wants, Instead Take Stupid Pictures of Yourself First Thing in the Morning

Moving on ...

Approach Twelve: OMG! BLAIR WITCH!

Yeah, I got nothin'.

Posted by Al-Azif at August 2, 2005 04:54 AM