I was the only freshman in a saxophone section full of seniors thirteen years ago. The following year, I found myself the section leader of a group of young players with minimal experience and questionable motivation. I wasn't Charlie Parker myself, but as the only person in the section who'd actually been in already, I took it upon myself to turn these kids into the best section in the band. Naturally, as a green leader who fell into the role without any real training, I didn't exactly know how to do it. My ego came out, I started blaming people for occasional lapses in judgement, and eventually I lost everyone who was supposed to be following me to my own temperament.

It occurs to me that this is exactly the thing going on with Kobe Bryant.

By Liquid-X, Lazarusworld Associated Press and the letter G

Minneapolis- A crisis arose thursday evening when a group of Christian Extremists stormed the offices of General Mills and took several people hostage. The group, known as the Cross Crusaders, had taken issue over the motto of General Mills cereal "Lucky Charms". According to a statement issued by the group, they claimed that General Mills was using the motto "They are magically delicious!" to promote Satanism and Witchcraft among the youth of America.

"Naturally, this kind of evil corrupting influence cannot be tolerated as it continues to contribute to the moral decline of our youths!", said the groups Spokesman and ringleader, who would only identify himself by the codename "Not J. Falwell". "The only reasonable response to such acts of moral indeceny and social irresponsibility is swift, tom and jerry style sensless violence!". "Not J. Falwell" continued, stating, "Our demands are simple. We demand a change to the motto, the removal of the color purple from any and all General Mills products, and the deportation of Hillary Duff. Should our demands not be met, we will force our hostages to watch a marathon of Barney the Dinosaur and Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman!"

Although none of the hostages have been hurt, several dolls of The Count from Sesame Street were tossed into a bonfire under charges that it promotes Vampirism, as well as several boxes of the game Half-Life 2, under charges that it promotes pushing around crates.

By Liquid-X, Lazarusworld Associated Press and cute cuddly kittens.

New York- Today, Sony Online Entertainment announced today it's decision to revolutionize the world of Massively Multiplayer Online games. "Starting today, we will start charging five dollars each time a user wants to view the Patch Notes.", stated John Smedley, president of SoE. "Patch Notes are some of the most viewed documents in any type of Online Gaming. And what better way to make more money from our suck... er, valued customers, then to continue gouging them for every red cent? We figure if this works, we can start charging them rent on their very SOULS!."

Satan, feared lord of the nine levels of hell and malicious puppy kicker, also hinted at his plans to announce his partnership with SoE in a press conference scheduled later this week. Meanwhile, several websites such as Gamespot were already proclaiming the bold new inventive move of SoE, and praising their evil digital overlords. Evil Killer Poptarts was contacted, and had this to say: "I don't even play games, so why are you asking me this? And stay the hell out of my shower, you PERVERT!".

And in unrelated news, a reporter for the Lazarusworld Associated Press was admitted to the hospital this evening with what doctors described as "A very large mallet like object lodged firmly in the nether regions where sunlight does not shine."

By Liquid-X, Lazarusworld associated press and donuts

Los Angeles- Marvel Enterprises shocked the world today when, hot on the heels of its lawsuit against Korean based publisher NCSoft and San Jose based Cryptic Studios, they announced they were suing several children over their Halloween costumes. The Lawsuit claims these childrens homemade costumes violated Marvels Trademarked characters, as well as extra money that they could be using in a money fight with Alex Ross and Bill Gates.

In the Lawsuit filed Friday afternoon, Marvel Comics claimed these shoddy costumes, hand made by the childrens parents, allowed them to appear like their favorite Marvel characters. Marvel proceeded to claim that the parents are also responsible for being poor, and not buying a costume like any good american consumer, and that it disrupts their future buisness of charging outrageous licensing fee's so they can continue to gouge their fans out of every single cent.

E-Mails sent to several of the children involved recieved comments such as "Stan Lee is a big doodie head!", and one from a six year old that can't be repeated here due to various obscenitities and a rather graphic and anatomically impossible list of things that Michael Bendis could do to himself.

Allen Lipson (The current president of Marvel), when asked how Marvel could do such a thing to loyal fans, stated "Because we're money grubbing whores, baby!". At which point he proceeded to hot oil wrestle two women dressed as Jean Grey and She-Hulk.

Optimus Prime is our new President!